Preparing for child custody mediation

Parents who are navigating the divorce process are increasingly using mediation to help set up custody agreements and parenting plans. The mediation process can be useful for parents who want the help of a neutral third party to develop a long-term parenting plan for their kids that is mutually acceptable to both parents.

Research has shown that use of a mediator during this process can help ease the stress and transition that kids may experience during divorce. Additionally, parents report being more satisfied with the mediation process that the court or litigation process to establish custody and parental agreements.

The success of the mediation process, however, relies on both parents being open-minded and willing to negotiate for the sake of the children. Before you attend a mediation, consider talking with your attorney about all of the options, and even developing a list of your parenting goals so that you have a reference point throughout the process.

This helpful article also includes a list of Do’s and Don’t’s for Mediation:

Do focus on your child's needs.

Don't focus exclusively on your own needs.

Do think of custody as a separate issue relating only to what is best for your child.

Don't discuss child support or property when trying to resolve your parenting plan.

Do acknowledge your child's special needs according to her age, temperament, and development.

Don't assume there is a standard plan that fits the needs of all children.

Do acknowledge the other parent's strengths and bring up only valid concerns about the other parent's ability to care for your child.

Don't bad-mouth the other parent.

Do acknowledge that your child needs time with both of you, in a safe environment, developed by a parenting plan.

Don't punish the other parent by withholding your children.

Do go to mediation prepared with:

A proposal for custody and a time-sharing plan

A calendar which identifies school holidays, your work schedule, your child's activities

A flexible and business-like attitude

Don't go to mediation unprepared.

Dealing with holiday custody issues

The holidays can be stressful for any family, but for those who are newly divorced, going through a divorce or contemplating a divorce, they can be particularly troubling.

If you are newly divorced or working through a divorce, and you and your ex share custody of your kids, it’s important to ensure they are the focus of the holiday season. That doesn’t mean you need to buy them extra toys or gifts, but it does mean that you and your ex should clearly plan for the holiday season. Consider some of the following as the holidays approach:

1. Develop a clear plan with your ex about when and where the kids will be for each holiday. If you both plan to see the kids during their holiday breaks from school, ensure you have specified times to exchange them and stick to the schedule you agree upon before the break occurs.
2. Talk to your ex about gifts so that you don’t purchase the same things for your children. Also make sure that your kids know that spending time with them is more important than any gifts either parent may buy them.
3.  Consider incorporating some of the traditions your family had before the divorce, but also think about making some new traditions with your kids that you’ll be able to continue in years to come.
4. Prioritize your kids throughout the process by sticking with a schedule that they’re familiar with. By minimizing the changes to their schedules, you can also minimize the stress they may be feeling for a first holiday season without the full family.