How to make your split as smooth as possible (with kids)

While research suggests that kids can adjust to a change in family dynamics within two years of a divorce, they may have a very difficult time getting through that time period. And some of them may show symptoms of the stress. Recent research suggests that divorce can impact children’s weight. If you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse have kids together, there are a few steps you can take to minimize the stress of a divorce.

1.     Develop a plan together for talking to your kids and explaining what will (and won’t) change through the divorce. Try to emphasize that your love for them won’t change, and let them ask questions. Be clear but avoid negative talk.

2.     Try to make change gradual when possible. Children do best when they have time to adjust to a change, so if possible, avoid moving kids to a new home right away. Also consider minimizing other changes after the divorce (i.e, maintaining their schedules, keeping them in the same schools, etc.)

3.     Keep lines of communication open with both parents. Research suggests that kids who have a poor relationship with one or both parents may have a harder time dealing with family upheaval.

4.     Avoid conflict around the kids. Keep your conversations with your soon-to-be-ex between the two of you.

The impact of divorce on kids: Part 3

While the process of divorce can place an immense amount of stress on a family, it can place a substantial burden on kids. More than one recent study has revealed that many kids who have gone through a divorce may have an increased risk of excessive weight gain. One study found that boys are particularly prone to gain excess weight, and researchers suggest that a range of factors are playing a role.

From less supervision at home to family stress, experts say there are many possible reasons why kids in divorced families may pack on weight. The best thing any family can do to avoid excessive weight gain is to minimize the stress on the kids.

Both parents should consider the ways they can achieve this goal, but many parents turn to a range of support networks to help them in the transition. Friends, family, church and religious groups can all provide a network of people for parents and kids to talk to during the divorce process. Additionally, groups like Parents with Partners and others can help families understand the change, and see others who have developed new, successful family models.

Whenever possible, kids should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both parents as they can.  Ensuring they have a regular routine that includes periodic contact with both parents can help.

Parents also need to remember to take care of themselves. Find your own way to reduce stress in your life by finding supportive friends and asking for help when you need it.

Tips on helping kids through divorce: Part 2

As families process a divorce, it’s important to provide kids an outlet where they can discuss their feelings. All families will process a divorce differently, but it’s important for all families to focus on how to help kids heal and move on. Parents should consider sitting down together on an ongoing basis, to discuss how they’ll talk about the divorce with their kids, and help their kids get through the divorce.

Many children will experience a sense of loss as a result of divorce, and as with any loss, they may take quite a long time to process it. Many kids may ask questions again and again in an effort to understand the change, so be prepared to be patient, but emphasize that healing from this change is an ongoing process.

While parents may want to discuss the details of the divorce with their kids, it’s important to ensure no blaming or anger are present during the discussion. That doesn’t mean that parents need to force a positive emotion into the talks, because parents and kids alike have reason to feel sad, but parents need to be aware of when their anger, resentment or guilt is present and try to eliminate that when talking with kids.

Parents should also keep adult topics and arguments out of conversations with kids, which means that parents shouldn’t use kids as a go-between or messenger for a conversation they could have together, or through their attorneys or a mediator.

Tips on discussing divorce with kids

One of the most difficult parts of a divorce for some families is when parents must break the news to their children. In order to protect kids, regardless of their ages, parents who are contemplating a divorce should follow a few key steps when it comes time to tell their kids.

First, if possible, both parents should be present — though it will be important to minimize conflict and anger during this discussion.  If those emotions will come out if both parents are there, it might be better for one parent to deliver the news.

Next, it's important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of the discussion. Instead, it is important to emphasize that while the parents need to live separately, the bond that the parents and kids have won’t change. Emphasize that parental love doesn’t change, and while parents may have a disagreement and need to live apart, parents and kids don't stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Be as honest as possible with your kids, but only give them the information they need. Don’t get lost in the details of why the divorce is happening; focus instead on what will or won’t change in their daily routines.

Lastly, parents should practice their delivery of the news so that emotion and anger don’t pop up during the discussion. If both parents are present, they should work to be calm, cool, collected, and loving parents who are focused on their kids.