Dealing with holiday custody issues

The holidays can be stressful for any family, but for those who are newly divorced, going through a divorce or contemplating a divorce, they can be particularly troubling.

If you are newly divorced or working through a divorce, and you and your ex share custody of your kids, it’s important to ensure they are the focus of the holiday season. That doesn’t mean you need to buy them extra toys or gifts, but it does mean that you and your ex should clearly plan for the holiday season. Consider some of the following as the holidays approach:

1. Develop a clear plan with your ex about when and where the kids will be for each holiday. If you both plan to see the kids during their holiday breaks from school, ensure you have specified times to exchange them and stick to the schedule you agree upon before the break occurs.
2. Talk to your ex about gifts so that you don’t purchase the same things for your children. Also make sure that your kids know that spending time with them is more important than any gifts either parent may buy them.
3.  Consider incorporating some of the traditions your family had before the divorce, but also think about making some new traditions with your kids that you’ll be able to continue in years to come.
4. Prioritize your kids throughout the process by sticking with a schedule that they’re familiar with. By minimizing the changes to their schedules, you can also minimize the stress they may be feeling for a first holiday season without the full family.

Child custody mediations

As discussed in other blog posts, divorce can be an especially troubling time for kids. Parents who are concerned about the stress that a divorce may put on kids may want to consider using a mediation process to develop their child custody plans.

Family law attorneys increasingly use mediation as a way to help them craft custom child custody plans for their clients, and it may be a good option for you. The mediation process allows parents to work together to create a parenting plan that puts the kids first and is mutually beneficial to both parents. Depending on what both parties need, the ultimate plan can help put structure around how and when the kids the will be exchanged, who will spend holidays where, and any other special issues the family may be facing. Studies show that when parents mediate, the likelihood that litigation will be required is drastically reduced by upwards of 70 percent fewer cases reaching the courtroom.

It’s important during the mediation process for you and your ex to focus on the kids, and not just on your own needs. Ask your attorney before the mediation begins about the process so that you know what to expect. And talk to him or her about what your goals and expectations are so that you two are on the same page when the mediation begins.

Think of the custody discussion independently of any other issues you and your ex may be discussing during your divorce. Acknowledge that in most cases, kids need time with both parents, so you will have to continue seeing your ex. Be prepared to discuss both short-term and longer-term goals, and be prepared to keep discussing many of the issues you and your ex bring up in the mediation session.

For more tips on mediation, read this article.

A primer on mediations

A primer on mediations

Mediation is part of a growing area of the law called alternative dispute resolution. In some cases, both parties in a lawsuit agree before hand that any disagreements or conflicts that arise will be settled with the help of a mediator, but in other cases, a judge may order mediation to help the parties work through a particular aspect or resolution in the case.

Mediation is frequently used in family law disputes, but it is becoming increasingly common in other areas of the law as well. The process differs greatly from traditional litigation. Be sure you talk to your attorney about the mediation process before you begin. Regardless of what kind of case you’re dealing with, the following information may be helpful in preparing for mediation.

1.     Talk to your attorney beforehand so that you understand the process and make sure you and your attorney are on the same page regarding what you want to achieve through mediation.

2.     Be prepared to negotiate, not argue.

3.     Keep your emotions under control. Even when a mediation session involves a heated discussion, keep in mind that the goal is to negotiate, not litigate to your outcome.

4.     Ask to speak to your mediator alone if necessary. Most mediators understand that some issues, particularly in family law, are better discussed privately, so if necessary, you may ask to speak with your mediator alone.

5.     Don’t be afraid to walk away (or to continue the negotiation). While the process aims to find the best resolution as quickly as possible, it may happen that you need more than one session to resolve all of your issues, so be prepared to continue the discussion if necessary.