Preparing for child custody mediation

Parents who are navigating the divorce process are increasingly using mediation to help set up custody agreements and parenting plans. The mediation process can be useful for parents who want the help of a neutral third party to develop a long-term parenting plan for their kids that is mutually acceptable to both parents.

Research has shown that use of a mediator during this process can help ease the stress and transition that kids may experience during divorce. Additionally, parents report being more satisfied with the mediation process that the court or litigation process to establish custody and parental agreements.

The success of the mediation process, however, relies on both parents being open-minded and willing to negotiate for the sake of the children. Before you attend a mediation, consider talking with your attorney about all of the options, and even developing a list of your parenting goals so that you have a reference point throughout the process.

This helpful article also includes a list of Do’s and Don’t’s for Mediation:

Do focus on your child's needs.

Don't focus exclusively on your own needs.

Do think of custody as a separate issue relating only to what is best for your child.

Don't discuss child support or property when trying to resolve your parenting plan.

Do acknowledge your child's special needs according to her age, temperament, and development.

Don't assume there is a standard plan that fits the needs of all children.

Do acknowledge the other parent's strengths and bring up only valid concerns about the other parent's ability to care for your child.

Don't bad-mouth the other parent.

Do acknowledge that your child needs time with both of you, in a safe environment, developed by a parenting plan.

Don't punish the other parent by withholding your children.

Do go to mediation prepared with:

A proposal for custody and a time-sharing plan

A calendar which identifies school holidays, your work schedule, your child's activities

A flexible and business-like attitude

Don't go to mediation unprepared.

Questions to consider before hiring your attorney

Questions to consider before hiring your attorney

Before you decide to work with an attorney, always do some initial research on them. Check out their website, research any reviews written about them, check out his or her office and make sure you’re comfortable. And always ask questions when you meet with them. Below is a list of some helpful questions to consider when hiring an attorney:

• How many divorce cases have you handled? Is divorce or family law your primary practice area?
•  Have you handled any cases similar to mine? How did you handle them?
• How heavy is your caseload? And how accessible are you throughout the process?
• Do you practice collaborative divorce?
• What is your theory about divorce? And how involved will I be in this process and the strategy behind the case?
•   How much do you charge?
•  How expensive will the entire process be?
• Are there other people in the office I will be working with? Can I meet them?
• Have you worked with my spouse’s attorney before?
•   How familiar are you with the family law judges?
• Do you have experience dealing with all the issues in my case? (child custody? Maintenance agreements?)

In addition to these, here’s a helpful list of additional questions you may consider. Many attorneys will charge a nominal fee for an initial consultation, and you should be prepared to ask your questions during this time. Get a feel for the attorney during this meeting and ask yourself whether you can see working with him or her.

A primer on spousal support, or maintenance

At the end of a divorce case, a judge has the option to set up a spousal support order where one spouse would pay a certain amount of money to the other under certain conditions. This agreement, which is also called maintenance, can work in a variety of ways. Maintenance agreements aim to help ease the economic transition that one spouse may have at the end of the marriage. 

The judge will look at each case separately. So, depending on your circumstances — including whether both spouses work, how long you were married, whether you shared assets or maintained separate accounts — the judge can set up a range of plans. It’s best to sit down with your attorney well in advance of the maintenance order to ask questions and ensure you understand what may happen.

Below are a few of the commonly used maintenance support agreements. Note that parties or the court may modify maintenance at a later date, because the circumstances may change, making the original order unfair.  For example, the party who is responsible for paying may lose his or her job, get a raise or otherwise need to ask the court to change the amount due to the other spouse. By law, the maintenance award terminates when the spouse who receives the funds gets remarried, dies, or where the parties agree to end the payments.

1

      Modifiable amount for an indefinite or specified period

Courts frequently use an agreement where one party will pay a specified amount to the other, either for a specific period of time or for an undetermined amount of time. Additionally, under a definite period or specified period agreement, the maintenance payments stop either when a certain date occurs or when the spouse receiving payments gets remarried, whichever happens first.

2    Decreasing amounts over a specified period of time

Another frequently used agreement establishes that one party will pay a certain amount of money for a specified amount of time, and then additional payments will decrease for a further amount of time. These agreements exist where the spouse who is receiving money may be reentering the workforce or searching for new employment over the course of the agreement. While the agreement does not end when the spouse receiving money finds a new job, the agreement can sometimes be modified after a certain period of time to accommodate new economic circumstances.

Contractual, fixed amount over a specified period of time

Contractual maintenance establishes the amount and duration of maintenance, and removes jurisdiction from the court to later modify maintenance.  While the court may not order contractual maintenance, parties may reach an agreement that maintenance will be contractual.  Contractual maintenance offers both parties certain protections, by ensuring that neither party will ask the court to modify the agreement reached.  However, it also poses risks to both parties, in that even if circumstances change (such as the paying party losing a job, or the receiving party becoming disabled and unable to work), the court cannot make adjustments.

Speak with an attorney about the maintenance options available to you, including the maintenance formula, which serves as a guide to judges when considering how much maintenance to award.

Dealing with holiday custody issues

The holidays can be stressful for any family, but for those who are newly divorced, going through a divorce or contemplating a divorce, they can be particularly troubling.

If you are newly divorced or working through a divorce, and you and your ex share custody of your kids, it’s important to ensure they are the focus of the holiday season. That doesn’t mean you need to buy them extra toys or gifts, but it does mean that you and your ex should clearly plan for the holiday season. Consider some of the following as the holidays approach:

1. Develop a clear plan with your ex about when and where the kids will be for each holiday. If you both plan to see the kids during their holiday breaks from school, ensure you have specified times to exchange them and stick to the schedule you agree upon before the break occurs.
2. Talk to your ex about gifts so that you don’t purchase the same things for your children. Also make sure that your kids know that spending time with them is more important than any gifts either parent may buy them.
3.  Consider incorporating some of the traditions your family had before the divorce, but also think about making some new traditions with your kids that you’ll be able to continue in years to come.
4. Prioritize your kids throughout the process by sticking with a schedule that they’re familiar with. By minimizing the changes to their schedules, you can also minimize the stress they may be feeling for a first holiday season without the full family.

Child custody mediations

As discussed in other blog posts, divorce can be an especially troubling time for kids. Parents who are concerned about the stress that a divorce may put on kids may want to consider using a mediation process to develop their child custody plans.

Family law attorneys increasingly use mediation as a way to help them craft custom child custody plans for their clients, and it may be a good option for you. The mediation process allows parents to work together to create a parenting plan that puts the kids first and is mutually beneficial to both parents. Depending on what both parties need, the ultimate plan can help put structure around how and when the kids the will be exchanged, who will spend holidays where, and any other special issues the family may be facing. Studies show that when parents mediate, the likelihood that litigation will be required is drastically reduced by upwards of 70 percent fewer cases reaching the courtroom.

It’s important during the mediation process for you and your ex to focus on the kids, and not just on your own needs. Ask your attorney before the mediation begins about the process so that you know what to expect. And talk to him or her about what your goals and expectations are so that you two are on the same page when the mediation begins.

Think of the custody discussion independently of any other issues you and your ex may be discussing during your divorce. Acknowledge that in most cases, kids need time with both parents, so you will have to continue seeing your ex. Be prepared to discuss both short-term and longer-term goals, and be prepared to keep discussing many of the issues you and your ex bring up in the mediation session.

For more tips on mediation, read this article.

A primer on mediations

A primer on mediations

Mediation is part of a growing area of the law called alternative dispute resolution. In some cases, both parties in a lawsuit agree before hand that any disagreements or conflicts that arise will be settled with the help of a mediator, but in other cases, a judge may order mediation to help the parties work through a particular aspect or resolution in the case.

Mediation is frequently used in family law disputes, but it is becoming increasingly common in other areas of the law as well. The process differs greatly from traditional litigation. Be sure you talk to your attorney about the mediation process before you begin. Regardless of what kind of case you’re dealing with, the following information may be helpful in preparing for mediation.

1.     Talk to your attorney beforehand so that you understand the process and make sure you and your attorney are on the same page regarding what you want to achieve through mediation.

2.     Be prepared to negotiate, not argue.

3.     Keep your emotions under control. Even when a mediation session involves a heated discussion, keep in mind that the goal is to negotiate, not litigate to your outcome.

4.     Ask to speak to your mediator alone if necessary. Most mediators understand that some issues, particularly in family law, are better discussed privately, so if necessary, you may ask to speak with your mediator alone.

5.     Don’t be afraid to walk away (or to continue the negotiation). While the process aims to find the best resolution as quickly as possible, it may happen that you need more than one session to resolve all of your issues, so be prepared to continue the discussion if necessary.

College savings plan during divorce

While the divorce process might not be an ideal time to think about your long-term savings plan, it can be a useful starting point for a discussion about how you and your ex plan to pay for your children’s educational endeavors. Whether or not you and your ex agree on how you will pay for college or other educational pursuits, you can start saving for your kids’ future by opening a 529 College Savings Plan.

Almost every state now offers at least one type of 529 plan, and these plans can be used to meet the costs of qualified colleges nationwide. Most plans don’t affect your child’s choice of school, so you could have a Colorado plan that pays for your child’s school in another state.

Colorado offers a variety of these types of plans, but the goal for them is to help families set aside funds for future college costs. They are named for the section of the Internal Revenue Code that created these plans. The added benefit of setting some money aside in these plans each year is that they will likely offer you some federal tax benefits, so long as they meet a few basic requirements.

Still unsure about a 529 plan? Read more about the top 7 benefits of them here.

Managing conflict during divorce

During most conflicts, our fight or flight instincts kick in. When faced with a perceived threat, whether it’s verbal, physical, or in another form, we’re trained to flee or fight back, and both of these responses can be troublesome when the conflict arises during the divorce process. While it may be difficult to do, it’s important to stay calm, cool, and collected when you are faced with a conflict during your divorce.

If it’s possible for you and your soon-to-be ex to use an alternative to the traditional divorce method (litigation), you might consider a process like collaborative divorce that emphasizes a non-combative approach, and works to find a long-term mutually beneficial solution for all parties.

In addition you may want to speak with your attorney about minimizing contact with your ex. While you won’t be able to fully avoid speaking with him or her, it may be possible to have your attorneys work to exchange messages and information.

Other tips that can help you minimize conflict:

1.     Evaluate your feelings and attitudes about conflict so that you’re more aware of your reactions to when a conflict arises. Having some awareness of your tendencies during a conflict may help to minimize or change your behavior.

2.     Change your mindset about conflict. In many ways, conflict is inevitable when two people are working to end a relationship. However, conflict doesn’t have to bring on anger, resentment, or any other negative feelings; when framed in the right way, a conflict can be considered an opportunity.

3.     Work on your listening skills. While it may be difficult, one important change you can make when conflict arises, is to focus on your listening skills, in order to really hear what the other party is saying.

For more tips on working through a conflict, look through this article.